lower

i have a peculiar bit of body dysmorphia lately that makes me think i am much larger than i am. i can't seem to recognize that clothes don't fit me, at least not without a concerted effort to see it. i bought new jeans last week that seemed to fit me fine in the store, but now that i have them home i realize they are at least a size too large. they're comfortable, and it's not as though they are so large they will fall off, but they are clearly not my fit. the pants that i wear for work, i think, fit me fine. but i know that they, also, are at least two sizes too large. i can take them off easily without unbuttoning them. i have, without any particular effort, lost 25 lbs. in the last two years. at one point i had lost more than that, but i was far too thin and have worked to put a bit of weight back on. and yet i am still wearing the same size pants. delusional. i pulled on my ski pants, which i had not worn in two years, and they were so large i could tuck my heavy winter coat into them. everything fits better, and everything is easier to do. i can run for more than a block, which in the past would've killed me. i walk miles at a time. i can pull off yoga poses that i never would've managed before. i know, on some level, that i am in much better shape than i have ever been. and yet intuitively i am still a considerably less healthy me.