concrete settles

i had a moment of panic in which i thought perhaps everything i'd ever done was lost and i would have to start anew.

it felt good, actually, when i got hold of the reins.

panic is a reifying agent of towering proportions.

and i am more real for it.

everywhere

i wonder where in this world there is a place for someone like me, or someone like you. where do we belong, we who know and see?
the nostalgia is strong for a time which i never knew and which no longer exists.
the past is an echo and the future is a void.
and now there is nothing.
and beauty is everywhere.

imaginary beings

my best friend is scared of spiders. i don't know if that is relevant or not. he doesn't shriek anymore, but he definitely doesn't care to be close to them.
when we were 17, i went to his house one afternoon to visit him - i was home from college for a week, he was still in high school. i always wore the same outfit when i visited him, at least when it was chilly - a black lace skirt with a skin-colored liner, knee high black socks, and a red and tan striped shirt. i still wear the skirt sometimes, it fits me better now than it did then. i don't remember the exact content of the visit, i'm not sure what we talked about. i'm not even sure of the date, but i think it was the middle of october. i do, however, remember the climax, and the sudden panic when we realized his mother had walked in upstairs. i remember that much.
it is hard to define the relationship he and i have, because it is so old.
it is hard to remember where i end and he begins, at times.
it is hard to imagine me without him.

I cannot hold back the walls when they close in but I think I can slow
them
down enough to see you go
from fire to smoke and rise.

marienbad

every so often i am reminded that i live in the wrong place to do one of my favorite things - that is, go to the movies. this time it was by the re-release of Last Year at Marienbad, in new york city. i've seen the film, a number of times - i've seen it projected several times, in fact. but to see it in a real theater, rather than a classroom - to see it with people who have never seen it before, who have probably never seen anything like it before, would be something else. seeing anything in a theater is a different experience. film is fresher, feels crisper, has a way of seeping in where before it was blocked out. to see it when i can feel the tension of those around me - their boredom, even - and to see it in a brand new, 35 mm print.

but, alas, i live in the middle of nowhere.

as i am

a true and devoted fan of Lawrence Weschler, and especially of his Convergences column on the McSweeney's Internet Tendency website, i feel it is only honest to pass on the most fabulous thing he has posted recently.
Aaron Koblin's time-lapse graphic of the flights entering and leaving U.S. airspace over a 24-hour period.

dear jj abrams,

shaky handheld digital footage and someone screaming 'oh my god!' for two hours does not a movie make.

especially if you show me the monsters.

you better not show me the fucking monsters.

thanks.

projects

as if i don't have enough things in the works, i've decided to work on a series of black and white male nudes.

the beginnings of the project can be found in this set on flickr.