like so much glass

the human body is fragile and so easily broken. and so very easily broken.

heatsink

this is an idea. possibly a scattered one. deal with it.

bolex set on 't', single frames. dark room. heatsource rather than lightsource used to expose the film. a single frame at a time, however long it takes to outline something using the heatsource.
the result should be an animated, glowing, wavering outline. should be.

test on 35mm with a similar ISO first? testing 24 frames would be better than testing 5,040.

idea source: the modern photography room in the MOMA- heat-photographs on color infrared, using heated blowers to create images of people.

end of idea.

infiltrating spaniards

i was reminded recently of Apocalypto, a film i hesitate to give the respect of proper capitalization and italicization. it's not just that it's terrible (which it is) or that Mel Gibson made it that bothers me. it's a whole slew of things. historical inaccuracies, physical impossibilities, poorly used technology, bad puppeteering.
the thing that bothers me most, though, is the ending. in which the arrival of the Spanish is implied as salvation for the 'good' mayan. here comes Jesus, Mary, and the Conquistadors, just to save the day...

philosophically mute

i said that the other difference between film and video wasn't important, but it is. so i'm going to obsess on it for a while. don't mind me.
film projection involves a fancy-pants contraption that shines pure white light through translucent film- either black and white or colored- that is made up of a base layer and an emulsion layer. the emulsion layer is made up of, among other things, silver particles. when the pure white light shines through the film, it projects silhouettes onto a screen (or a wall, or the side of a van... whatever you happen to place in front of it). a dance of light and dark.
digital projection involves a different fancy-pants contraption that shines colored light that has been digitally manipulated to combine itself into various images.
the difference between these two is this: in digital projection, there is no darkness. the blacks are colored light, rather than shadow. shadows are not shadowed.
this will probably be expounded upon in the future.
it's important.
i swear.

seeing not seen

when you watch projected film- the real stuff, the physical thing- you spend half of your time in complete darkness. as the film runs through the projection apparatus, the light shining through the frames is alternately obscured and revealed by a spinning shutter. it's difficult to explain, much easier to just show you, but believe me- you are spending half of your time in darkness.
projected video, because of scan lines and such, never leaves you in the same sort of darkness.
this, i think, is one of the two fundamental differences between film and video. the other is not important right now.
just know that you spend half of your time in darkness, whenever you go to the theater.

goldfish die easily

last week i bought six goldfish for an image. goldfish, in mason jars, lit from beneath. shot in black and white, stuttered so that the fish jerk unnaturally about their little glass homes.
one of the fish was dead by the next morning. another died the following day. and two more died the day after.
so now i am short four fish. it's a good thing that they only cost twelve cents.
more importantly, i keep watching the world slide by and wondering where i belong. the drapes are pulled tight because the light hurts my eyes and i fear i am going blind.
there is pattern to everything in life, but it is all interconnected... i don't know that i am able to isolate anything specific. there is a pattern to the way that the colours swell and burst at sunrise, and then fade away and fold in upon themselves at sunset. a pattern to the growth of the grass and to the movement of the clouds. most people are simply unaware of it, or choose not to notice that they are part of the pattern. 

many years ago, when i was quite small, a woodpecker drilled a hole in the outside wall of my bedroom. the woodpecker quickly abandoned the hole, and it was taken over by starlings. by all rights, i ought not like starlings. they are a non-native species, they crowd out the native species, they are dirty, they are loud. but i adore them. their proud iridescent black plumage, their haughty gaze, the way that they teach their young to pick out the best of the apples rotting on the ground beneath the apple tree. for as long as i can remember, they have lived in my wall. tucked between the intact drywall and the outerwall, nested in among the insulation. every year they raise a family, sometimes two. many generations have passed through that nesting hole, i am sure. they have returned to the same spot so many times that i think, should they not be in my wall, i would not be able to sleep at all. they have always had a somewhat raucous cry, not quite that of a crow, but still not a pleasant sound. however, i know that they, like many birds, can learn to imitate many other sounds. i have heard of starlings imitating car alarms and children laughing and dogs barking. but my starlings never had, until i heard one last week. imitating the ring of my cell phone.

sickness

my throat feels as though i swallowed nails this morning. which i didn't, if you were wondering. I tells me that i sound like tom waits when i am sick like this. i can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing.
everyone in my family is traditionally sick for at least one of the three major holidays in the last quarter of the year. last year i was sick for both thanksgiving and christmas. it would appear that this year i get halloween, unless this clears up in the next two days- which is highly unlikely. this feels like the kind of sick that, before i had a tonsillectomy, would have left me miserable and bedridden for a week at the very least.
i wonder who gets to be sick on thanksgiving this year?

fear and friendliness

i don't care to go into the details of my social anxiety. it's not as though it will change at the drop of a hat, and i am not about to work on that when i have much more interesting things to do. however, in spite of any apprehension i suffer, i still find (or used to, prior to my change in relationship status) that i get myself into trouble of a certain kind far more often than i probably ought. which can make parties doubly awkward. not only do i dislike the very idea of being at a party; what with the large group of people and the noise and the drunkenness and the idiocy; i find that i am often confronted with multiple people with whom i spent very brief, though frequently enjoyable (and often extremely inebriated), quality time.
of course, last night was no exception. and my social skills, as usual, are a bit rusty. so i spent most of the evening sitting quietly watching my ex-boyfriend, my high school friends, three one night stands, and a number of random make-outs get ridiculously drunk. quite amusing.
being the only non-drinker at a party is always a bit absurd. watching people lose control of themselves in increments, listening to speech slur and profanity increase exponentially with each drink down the hatch. i can't do it often, but it is entertaining every so often. it's better than drinking, and being the one losing control. and, hey, drunk people are friendly.