sharing minds

i don't share with you the times when i am frantic beating against walls and wailing curses and tearing my hair. perhaps i should i don't know. i keep those things as private as i can i don't know why i don't like to show that i don't have control of the things in my mind. i sob and scream and gnash my teeth and bloody my fingers biting the nails. i don't know how to share that with you, i don't know how to share with you my lack of grace i don't know what good it would do, to show you that we have some sort of camaraderie. i am not ashamed of my frenetic moods i just don't know how to share them with you without feeling i have done some disservice to myself and anyhow they end so quickly and when i am in them i don't think to share them because they are all that is real. perhaps someday you will be with me when i lose myself to the frenzy and you will calm and quiet me and you will understand or perhaps i will hide away like i always do or perhaps i don't know.
i should perhaps just let go and lose control but there is always something in the way.